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| nothing. absolutely nothing. that's what i've eaten today. no calories, not even juice. so yeah, i guess that was cool and whatnot. alright, that's it for now, i'm pretty worn out at this point. - Mood:sleepy
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| so, i decided to take a friend up on an invitation to do a fast. i thought it was a great idea and just what i needed to gain some composure before my birthday on monday. now, i'm not so sure. i do really well until late afternoon, and then the temptation to ruin everything hits me. and i want to stress that's it's temptation, NOT hunger. for instance, right now...i'm not hungry at all and i recognize that, and yet, i'm for some reason contemplating walking to the store and buying a whole bunch of food to stuff in my face. why am i doing this to myself?!!!
i honestly don't know what's wrong with me! i seriously need some insight into this...i mean why do i keep having the urge to literally force myself to eat when my actual goal is to not eat. i would understand if i got hungry and i decided to eat or broke down and eventually had to eat something. but why sabotage my own plans with uneccessary, destructive, and painful overeating?
anyhow, despite my own interference i might have managed to have a decent first three days of this endeavor. the following is a list of what i've consumed and not purged.
monday: 2 cups of vegetable broth and 1 bottle of water = 10 cals
tuesday: 1 cup of vegetable broth and 1 cup as raspberries = 70 cals
wednesday: 1 cup of vegetable broth and 2 cherries = 9 cals
so, i guess the the addition of the raspberries and cherries my "endeavor" becomes more of a restriction than a fast, but since my total for intake for all three days combined was less than 100 calories, i suppose i could've done worse.
now, if only i can keep going and resist ruining everything for no reason, maybe one day i'll wake up and i won't be such a failure. - Mood:tired
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| i'm so conflicted at the moment...
i haven't eaten anything so far today, which makes me really happy, but i also know that logically that's not something to celebrate. and so as i sit here losing focus, and getting a headache, and craving a binge like nobody's business, i wonder if i should just do it, just eat and give in to that feeling of failure and inevitable doom. or, if i should make myself tough it out and finally get back that control i've been longing for.
and the thinng is, i wouldn't mind eating if it was what i really wanted to do. but i don't think it is. i think the voice telling me to eat is just an expression of weakness. (that is NOT to say that i think eating is weakness, sometimes it takes the most strength of all) but right now, and this very moment i really think not eating is important and that's what i actually want to hold on to for a while, and that voice has just come up because i'm at a rough patch at the moment. the voice is a response the the hunger pains and the headache, but not my actual desires, and that's why i think that it's not okay to follow it this time.
that is a very different situation from the times when i know should eat and, in truth, all i wish i could do is eat, but for some reason it seems impossible. then, the right thing for me to do would be to eat. the strong thing for me to do would be to eat. but right now? it would be giving in to a completely different evil because i wouldn't be eating to be healthy or nourish myself, i would be eating as punishment for me not being good enough and it would end up with me having to "get rid of it". get rid of those feeling of worthlessness, get rid of that anxiety and guilt, and get rid ofthe food. so i would actually only be adding to unhealthy behaviours right now by breaking this resolve. i think i need to get through this day and prove that i'm not a slave to food. and maybe, if only for a little while, i can break free of those feelings and feel untouchable.
sorry, if anybody read this and didn't understand or thought it was stupid. i know it doesn't make a lot of sense, but my head was so full of all these conflicting thoughts and i just needed to get some of them out so i could breathe again. and i wrote them down so i could maybe sort them out and make some sense of what was going and what i should do. if anybody understands at all what i was tryin to explain, i'd love to hear from you. goodness knows i shouldn't be allowed to make decisions for myself... | |
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| this is the first post in my new livejournal. although i'm hardly a new person, and these aren't new issues...i just need a new outlet for them.
so, i don't have any friends at the moment, but maybe i'll get some soon. and right now nobody is reading this, but maybe eventually somebody will. and i hope we can establish some sort of friendship then because i think i could really use that.
anyways, i guess i'll just do a mini introduction so that if in the future somebody does read this or wants to get to know me a bit they could start here...
my name is alex and i rarely capitalize when i type, so i hope that doesn't bother you. i'm twenty and while i guess i kind of created this account specifically to deal with certain issues, now that i'm actually writing, i'm not sure if that's an okay thing to do. i'm not even sure how to start really. hmm, maybe i'll come back and write later once i've looked around a little more. - Mood:listless
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tilmorning_lite's journal